Cleveland Waiters Versus Paris Waiters | What to Expect from this Blog

As someone who is devoted to food but often too lazy to cook, I eat about 50% of my meals in restaurants. As such, I encounter a lot of bad servers. I would love to just chill out and go with the flow, but substandard waiting offends my sensibilities. If only I could school these lads and lasses: “Don’t interrupt my table talk to introduce yourself. In fact, don’t introduce yourself at all, and please stay away until I am ready to order. I don’t care what your favorite menu item is. Don’t speed through the specials. Mind your grammar.” My conflict-averse husband won’t let me open my mouth. The state of restaurant service is so poor that I launched a blog just to get this sputum off my chest.  

Here are a few other examples of criminally clueless waitstaff. There is the hokey master of the obvious who wants a medal for doing the basics: "I brought over some bread for 'ya." There are waiters who identify dishes by pointing their fingers at items on the menu -- or worse, who point at the food itself; those who clear plates before everyone is finished (my mother was known to physically attack anyone who committed this sin); and servers who stack or, God forbid, scrape uneaten food from plates when clearing. But all these are misdemeanors compared to the number one violation that incites my highest dudgeon. The summit of misguided service is the waiter or waitress who stands by until I have a mouth full of food and chooses that precise moment to barge in and ask me how it tastes. 

This last offense is a pernicious byproduct of "Midwestern nice." "Midwestern nice" allows the waiter to be passive-aggressive and get away with it. I was recently interrogated no less than 10 times about how my food tasted and whether I had any questions at a much-buzzed-about new Cleveland eatery that posits "Midwestern nice hospitality" as half of its core proposition. The waiter found it necessary to repeatedly ask me if I had any questions right down to the moment he set my food in front of me. He might as well have pulled up a chair and had dinner with us. These eager beavers need to put the nice on ice. 

Such aggravations never arise in Paris. The Parisian waiter requires zero validation from the diner. You might actually have a question or two when ordering off a French menu, but this waiter does not care. His profession is dignified -- even balletic. Such is the French art of waiting tables that Chef Alain Ducasse supposedly recruited a choreographer to teach the staff to glide about gracefully at his late, eponymous restaurant at the Plaza Athenée. (This last assertion is probably a fabrication, but it sounds impressive.) You drop your napkin and another one materializes without any fuss whatsoever. The waiters in Paris restaurants know it is their job to bring the food and then beat it.

 

What’s more, Paris waiters never introduce themselves at the start of a gig. No “I’m Kurt and I’ll be taking care of you guys.” The real deals in Paris know that the successful execution of their métier calls for anonymity. I love this anonymity. I don’t want to have any relationship with the person bringing my food. I will tip them handsomely in proportion to the extent to which they buzz off. 

 

For all that, as I introduce this blog, I must regrettably inform you that the level of satisfaction it provides will have more in common with Cleveland restaurants than Parisian ones. This is the Midwest, not the 8^th arrondissement. If you choose to come here, you and I will have a forced relationship. My manner will be intrusive, random, and undisciplined. I will pounce when you are just trying to mind your own business. You put up with me because you are curious about the food. I welcome you to grudgingly leave me a 20% tip. And you keep coming back because I might, on occasion, bring you something unexpectedly good. 

 

Is it worth your while dining here? You tell me. You can always just come by when you don’t want to cook. 

 

My name is Peter, and I’ll be your server. How does the food taste so far?